Here we are

So uhh, what in the hell was that?

I find myself asking that question at an alarmingly high rate each day, but especially after the dumpster fire of 2020. I know I’m not the first person to admit last year was a complete shit show - and I know I won’t be the last - but I feel as though everyone deserves to have at least one good ‘F U 2020’ on the record.

Now I will admit it wasn’t ALL bad. I graduated college, got a pup, grew closer to the people most important to me, moved to a new city, had a few good drinks, and learned so much about myself without even meaning too. And before you ask, despite popular belief I didn’t discover the meaning of life, but I did discover that it’s okay to not know what in the hell is going on. I learned it’s okay to breathe and be selfish - not selfish in a way that hurts those around me, but simply prioritizing myself. I learned that it wasn’t my job to light myself on fire to keep those around me warm. Yeah, you might want to read that one again. Truthfully, I learned somewhere in the midst of the chaos that it was time to just let life happen, even if it meant I didn’t know exactly what was coming next.

For as long as I can remember, I have been the ultimate planner. I’m not lying when I tell you I crave the sense of control that planning brings, like a drug. Not the healthiest of habits, but hey it’s cheaper than anything you can buy off the streets. Not a good joke? Ehh, sorry dad, just pretend I left that out.

Anyway, my mind is constantly racing - always making plans and ultimately trying to avoid self sabotage when they don’t go exactly as anticipated, and they rarely ever do. I can remember growing up, making all sorts of plans, 95% of which never even came close to fruition. I realized that the majority of the plans I had for myself, could have never amounted to the unexpected and amazing things that happened instead. Sure, not getting to spend the summer in Europe with one of my best friends still stings a bit, but Europe has been a round for a minute and I don’t think it’s going anywhere soon. Whereas, 2020 all but subtly reminded us that for many, tomorrow isn’t guaranteed.

So, there I was, letting myself get lost in the everyday pleasures of life that I so often take for granted, instead of wondering around the Louvre looking for some sort of sign I thought I needed. And sure at the time I didn’t really realize the impact my “no plans sorta summer” was having on me, but thats the beauty of what I’m telling you right now. For once in my life, not having plans allowed me to water relationships and parts of myself I let wither away. It brought me to the realization that there’s so much freedom and openness in not having it all figured out. It allowed me to actually listen to my mom when she told me grown ups are just little people in big bodies and there’s no “magic age” where life all makes sense. It gave me the ability to thrive in accepting that I’m perfect how I am, where I am.

And now, here I am, writing this blog post and sharing my heart with whoever might be reading this. Seriously, it might just be my best friend Lexi and my Lulu making it this far, shit I don’t know. I just hope that if you did make it this far that something touched your heart and made you take a second to give yourself some grace. I will warn you though, I’ve been passing out grace left and right - mainly to my self - so idk how much is left to go around. Anyway, thanks for reading this, I hope it’s the first of many.

Xoxo,

Madeline,

Never Maddie